The World Premiere of a Non-Existent Band

The Staple Singers: You've Got To Earn It (Stax, 1970)

Rance Allen Group: Lying On The Truth (Stax, 1972)

Isaac Hayes: Hyperbolicsyllablicsesquedalymistic (Stax, 1969)

I have figured out that major points in my life have been marked by the names of bands that I would star in. Unfortunately, these bands never actually existed. They were mythic bands that could take over the world-- if only I could learn how to play music. (And we all know that bass-guitar phase doesn't count.) These bands, or, more accurately, their names, have reflected both my musical and philosophical leanings at the time of their conception. What follows is a misguided attempt to make some sense of all this:

Prometheus Afterthought--6th grade--Fort Worth, TX

I remember the exact moment when this truly awful name occured to me. I was at my grandmother's house after school. I began doodling on a homework folder. This doodle developed into an involved drawing that depicted, in an intricacy and detail that is peculiar to 6th grade boys, a tree split into two large branches to the left and right of the folder. Each side of the folder had images of opposites. A moon sat upon the left branch and a sun upon the right. Snow on the left, fire on the right. Perhaps I had Jesus on one side and Steve Young on the other. Some of the details escape me, but you get the idea. Inspired by some recent assignments on Greek mythology, I proudly titled the piece "Prometheus Afterthought".

Musical Reading-- Kurt Cobain had either just or was just about to kill himself in a Seattle garage. I had a copied cassette tape of Pearl Jam's Ten with three weird songs by a band named Red Hot Chili Peppers. Warren G's "Regulators" was being replaced by Beck's "Loser" as the anthem of recess. Just as I was becoming aware of--and a market to--mass media, mass media decided it could turn a pretty penny exposing "alternative" music. Prometheus Afterthought, then, was a part of the grunge explosion.

In Fort Worth, TX.

God help us all.

Philosophical Reading-- The name makes a pun of the Greek mythological name Prometheus, meaning "forethought". "Forethought Afterthought". Opposites. Get it? I would like to say that this name expresses my discovery of irony that occurs, not coincidentally, with the onset of puberty. This is probably true, but if I am being honest, I must admit that what this name truly represents is my latent nerdery. Prometheus Afterthought? What the hell kind of name is that anyway? I would find different ways as I grew older to earn my nerd merit badge. But this band name may be the first time I intentionally harnessed my nerd powers and was openly proud of the results.

The Sublimaters--15th Grade--San Antonio, TX

Like too many things in college, the origins of this name are a bit hazy. I am pretty sure that it was the result of one of many late nights playing pool with a certain Tommy B. We have a history of making jokes that are hilarious only to us. Not really-funny-to-us and less so to others, but absolutely-pee-your-pants-hilarious to us and totally incomprehensible to others. Anyway. This was a formalization of the band-naming process that had its beginnings in Prometheus Afterthought and continues to this day. One contender that I particularly liked from these sessions was Fluke, but mostly just because I liked the name of their (again, never to be made) first album: The Gospel According to Fluke.

Musical Reading-- The Strokes. The Hives. The White Stripes. The...And You Will Know Us By The Trail of the Deads. It was all the rage and I couldn' resist. My band needed a name that was catchy, retro, and, most importantly, kick-ass. The Sublimaters fit the bill and, until a few weeks ago, this was still the name of my unformed musical outfit.

Philosophical Reading--This name reeks of two things I battle against often: smugness and elitism. First of all, the name is from chemistry (of which I actually know nothing about) and assumes you know that it is also the funneling of strong (often sexual) impulses into more socailly acceptable forms of expression. Or, rather, assumes you don't know so that I will get to show off and enlighten you with that tidbit. I think this band name and this tendency both come from the part of my psyche that needs to have others, slack-jawed, watch me play "Jeopardy".

The Staplegun Singers--19th Grade--Berkeley, CA

My band-naming game has become both more difficult and more necessary since my move to the West Coast. I don't have the group of people or social situations that usually lead to mind games like this. But this has made those same games a private way to stay connected to my past. The Staplegun Singers were formed on my porch, alone. And without the aid of beer. Long live the Staplegun Singers.

Musical Reading--I ran across a copy of "Wattstax" at the San Jose Public Library when I first moved here in October. Picture this: a concert movie highlighting the Wattstax Festival held in Wattsin 1973; lots of funk, soul, and cool threads; and Isaac from Love Boat (before he was famous) actually referring to other people as "cats". I immediately fell into the rabbit hole. I have since been obsessed with vintage soul and deep funk in a way that is much easier to indulge in the music blog era. Mavis Staples is quite simply an angel on earth and this band name is my tribute to her.

(For all things funk and funky, do yourself a favor here, friends, and go check out one of the OGs of music blogging, Soul Sides. Seriously, if I fell down the rabbit hole, Oliver Wang was the White Rabbit.)

Philosophical Reading-- I have recently begun my life as a working stiff (I took the scenic route, I guess). I was trying to figure out how to effectively attach a bill of lading to the outside of a shipping crate and a staplegun seemed to be the best option. Holy shit. Did I just write that? So the name is the fusion of the two most important new aspects of my life. Work and music. Does this mean that my creativity will be subsumed by the banality of work? Possibly. But I'll fight that the best I can. We can all just go along the best way we know how and try to enjoy it...

QUESTIONS FOR THOSE WHO MADE IT THIS FAR OR JUST SKIPPED TO THE BOTTOM:

Am I crazy? Surely other people do this too. Right? Let me know: What would your band be called? Why? I look forward to some interesting responses.